Detox first few days.....

AS i looked around i saw the differing natures of the various conditions the other patients whom i was to be sharing the ward with suffered from. After some tentative conversations i learnt these ranged hugely from paranoid schizophrenia, delusions and psychotic episodes, mania, BPD, aspergers, dementia and lil old me with my opie with drawals, being the addict i am of course i cut right down but then upped my using for the  last 3 days before entry how typical lol.
For the first few days it was as if time its very self stood still, they gave me no opitae substitute and 2.5mg of diazepam by which time totally sleep deprived and in pain i was ready to leave. Then I was assessed by a wonderful psychiatrist, I was so desperate and he was so good looking and charming I felt the urge to lower my top provocatively and bat my eye lash extensions at him!! Oh dear gripped by total insanity what a joke he must have thought i was, leaning in seductively being overly interested in his every word! He seemed to play along though and mentioned if we met up abroad (where my family live) we would be breaking no rules by us going out for dinner. Anyway needless to say he upped my doses and the Valium increased to 40mg a day, nitrazepam 10mg to sleep, quinine for RLS , loperamide, buscopan, periazine for anxiety, and trazadone for depression So needless to say I was a much happier bunny! And things with the help of a few dyhydrocodine i took in for emergencies it was an ok-ish detox apart from the lack of sleep which was to be expected anyway..I shuffled about drawling over fellow patients which I made friends with quite quickly it was only a 25 bed ward each with a private room and communal facilities. I managed tai kw on do and mindfulness most days but felt very weak, faint and unsteady on my feet. I spent hours a day soaking in their huge bath tubs or under the showers i was very grateful for them indeed! Having modelled for 10 years on and off i started to take some pride in my appearance again and enjoyed a proper beauty routine. My lil boy settled in and is seeming to be content and happy at my families and visited several times. Im off to proper rehab on monday but praying they will admit me as i was discharged early (which wasn't part of the original plan) and i have used 3 times, tiny amounts but never the less, so ridiculous as if i could control it in any shape or form i wouldn't be in such trouble and wanting help so bad!! I need to provide a clean urine specimen on admission and with only 4 days im not sure it will be possible, i know this is all my fault and wish i wasn't an addict but i am.

Detox psych styleeee

Well finally I was admitted to an acute psych ward to begin my opiate detox, but what was meant to be a britlofex (lofexidine) turned into a nightmare due to my extreme low blood pressure. In the end each dose was denied to me as was deemed too dangerous.

Cold, shivering and frightened i turned up at the ward with all my luggage literally shaking with anticipation of the unexpected as it was a new way id never before tried. I said my goodbyes to parents and children and in i went through the secure doors!! OMG I was refused entry as the date was put back for the 4th time, i returned  home devastated and disappointed i felt so deflated having being all hyped up for the date.
So back i went yet again yet 3 days later having barely unpacked my things from the previous visit and finally was shown to a dirty but clinical room.

Bolloxxxxx

This is unbelievable they have put back my detox date for the 4th time!! Dont they realise they are fuking with my childrens heads?? We had it all planned for tomorrow morning, had cleared out some of my house, taken 2 car loads to the charity place and 1 to cash 4 clothes lol. Started the mamouth task of moving all the toys from my place to my parents place, and there are 2 large rooms FULL of them. My youngest knows something is happening but we are managing to keep him settled with the useful distractions of halloween and christmas, and as a lovely treat I took him to that huge rip off that we call the 'build-a-bear' workshop. I have to say though I was bloody impressed by said bear building, it was a truly enjoyable experience for us both and I recorded my voice saying a special message for him when he squeezes its paw, and we paid extra for a beating heart, boots, clothes and a hat! So expensive, but so sweet.
Im still fuming a bit at the news, but putting it in perspective, i will only have to wait a few more days, i now have more time to finish sorting the house and can pack slowly, settle kids in over weekend and spend some quality time with family and friends so thats all good, its just i want this to be as smooth as possible for my family who were all geared up for the morning, and we had all run ourselves ragged trying to get everything ready!
On a addict note....As i thought i was detoxing from the morning I left myself with NO opiates! I really dont want to make the 200 mile roundtrip to score more heroin, cant be bothered, but i know its total shit locally,. I only need  4-5 days worth, a few grams would do, ive already tried to buy pills and had no luck. I fully intended to be with drawing on admission to speed things up which is why im now in this situation i have left myself with nothing!! Unbelievably i can cop crack right now, no problemo, but although very tempting it makes you feel horrid, quicker so pointless. This is so annoying, so soul destroying.

Im going to have to go on a mission (dont fear good hearted reader, kidiwinkles are not with me) to find decent gear near or in this area, enough addicts round here have habits, so they are using something strong enough to keep them addicted, so someone, somewhere must have some real stuff. Im going to welcome the beginning of a new era, where I dont have to worry about all this, and do all this, i really cant stand it now, ive had enough. When i was 24 say it didnt seem to matter in fact often times i had fun, mixed with danger and excitement of the unknown. But now? Now Im an early 30's mummy, who loves her kids, and doesnt want this to be part of her life anymore, there is no room in my life for this crap now days.

Oh well, to next tuesday, to new beginnings, a new era....this is the time 4 change.

functioning addicts??

After I was left a comment mentioning another addict thought he was the only 'functioning' one out there till he came across me, it got me thinking.
http://alcoholrehab.com/alcohol-rehab/well-maintained-addiction/

And I stumbled across the above article whilst looking for something else. (theres a wealth of information on alcohol and addiction/recovery/treatment) on that site as well, I was quite impressed!

Having been to numerous NA/AA meetings over the last 8 years and heard so very many shares I too came to the conclusion there wasn't too many FA's (functioning addicts) out there. It seemed that there was a few definitive similarities that occurred in nearly every story, these it appeared would still be found even if the person/drug of choice/background was fundamentally different. These are the following

1) The person felt from childhood they were 'different' and didn't 'fit in' or feel any sense of belonging with both family, friends, social groups and their peers. They always experienced some alienation and mostly experienced life as an outsider. They experimented with drugs/drink at a very early age, and took it to extremes, and believe these early excesses just go to prove they were in fact born addicts.

2) The beginning of their addiction/addictive behaviour was relatively fun, or at least part of it was, and the feelings of intense difference were temporarily relieved. If using wasn't 'fun' or we didn't derive some form of pleasure from it, obviously we wouldn't continue to do it. This I suppose can be described as the early stage in the cycle of addiction.

3) As their addiction progressed they started experiencing negative consequences as a direct result. Relationship breakdowns, loss of material things, and lack of trust towards them from others and problems with trusting others.

4) Later-progressive stages of addiction, loss of family, children removed, disconnected from friends, contact only with 'using buddies', poor personal hygiene, and appearance and health may start deteriorating. Morals and personal boundaries are crossed and more riskier behaviour indulged in, as going to any lengths to meet the needs of the addiction. Feelings of 'losing oneself' and 'emptiness' until the stage is reached when we feel we cant live with drugs, and cant survive without them. This is usually when we ask for help of some kind, although we are not always ready for it and may continue to maintain our addiction at all costs for many more years.

I suppose all addicts follow a similar to pattern to these, I know I never thought of myself as being any different from other kids, I was popular at school and enjoyed it, and had some best friends out of school who lived near us who i spent lots of time with and had great fun with. I also never drank or used at a young age, and when i did drink i never got drunk. And i didnt use drugs until my early 20's. Im also not convinced i was born an addict although im not ruling that out.
Ive always washed, and taken care of my appearance, but I believe im very similar to all the rest!! Ive just 'maintained' my addiction without doing anything illegal, and tried my best to keep up appearances but only for the sake of my children, not mine!!
I do however believe now that there are many, many others out there like myself, who you wouldnt give a second glance to in the street, as they have learnt over time to hide their addiction as well as I have for whatever reasons. I also think that if your addict money can be a curse more than a blessing, as it keeps your addiction going longer, and makes it much easier to maintain a normal existence. I really feel if id run out of money 5 years ago i might of been sitting here now clean and serene instead of waiting to go into rehab!! but who knows for sure, I can only guess!!

Any other FA's out there? Who knows....

scouse love cont....

I went over to the window and peered out at my new strange surroundings. The small estate seemed neat and well kept, each with a small garden at the front, now bathed in twilight. I found the front door and let myself out, ahhh with each step I was being stabbed with chills, I wondered if i may still be dreaming as i felt as if i were walking through marshmallow but no this rattle was very real, too real, and all too familiar.
Shivers shot through me and i felt goosebumps all over, it was as if all my senses were heightened, despite feeling so sick i felt ultra alert.

I made my way to the edge of the estate and onto the main road. If memory serves me, there should be a 'bad estate' a few minutes walk away, and where theres a bad area.....theres drugs i thought! Although i didn't want to get my hopes up too much, as with anything involving drugs one always knows that until said drugs are in your greedy, sweaty little palms, there is little point in getting in getting excited, or feeling any sense of relief, as virtually anything can happen....and it usually does!! I stopped every few yards to double over in pain, I felt like there was a storm inside my stomach, with waves of pulsating agony creeping through my lower back. I blinked as head lights whooshed past, leaving light traces before my eyes, my vision was blurred as my eyes streamed. The cold stung my face and wow did i feel sorry for my self inflicted agony! Oh such torment, why do I do this? But the desperate, penetrating,urgent desire for more soon pushed any other thoughts aside. i was on a mission, a possibly impossible mission!

i rounded the corner and the flats rose up before me. An eerry silence hung in the air, I looked around and realised there was no one about. My heart sunk, but a small part of me was still in anticipation with the thought of finding something, somewhere. I slumped onto a low brick wall, pulled my hood up and folded my arms as another deep chill shivered its way through me.
'Ay las whats happenin?' I heard a voice from behind me, startled i nearly fell from my perch. A tall white lad, also with his hood up approached me. I felt embarrassment and shame at my situation, I was looking for drugs there was no was no sugar coating my junkydom it was laid bare for all to see.
I thought the situation called for getting strait to the point and fuk the small talk. I asked him if he knew where i could get some b, he said his friend 'had got' and he was on his way back from making a drop. My heart raced, ok i thought, this is either wonderful luck.....or i am about to get robbed n ripped.
I followed him up lots of concrete stairs, where the stench of urine, smoke and urban filth stung my nostrils and hung heavy in my chest. I waited as he knocked at a door adjacent to a long balcony, i stood gripped by fear and over whelming desire, please let this be ok i prayed. He asked how much i wanted, half a gee i replied, i handed him £25 and he disappeared into the flat, leaving me outside and closing the door behind him. Great I thought, if he doesnt come back, im on my own theres really fuk all i can do! But 5 minutes later he did return, and unwrapped some rizzla to find something which looked and smelled like it should.

Scouse love

'Babe, just get in!' he yelled at me for the 5th time. But i didnt want to go back up to liverpool, i knew that would mean no gear, (he kept an eye me the whole time) and that meant being ill.
I had no choice if i didnt go he would only pick me up and plonk me in the back anyway, so reluctantly i complied once again with his wishes. I curled up in the back and promptly fell into a deep sleep with the hum of the engine carrying me off into dreamy roads, stretches of bleak motorway and tarmac fields.

Four or five hours later I awoke, I felt clammy and heavy and strangely still tired.
'You dont look too good gal, stay round my sis for a while and get some rest, i'll be back for you later' he shoved me through a strange front door of a house on a small estate, kissed my lips and he was gone.

His big sister was plump, pretty and had a big warm smile. She welcomed me into her sitting room, made me a sweet cuppa tea, and tucked me up on her sofa with a duvet, and flicked the tv on for me. (she must have thought I was ill, not sure what the other half had told her)

Again i fell asleep, this time i awoke it was dark, the room too was dark, with only the light from the tv and street lights casting a surreal orange glow into the room. I was soaking wet, drenched, and ice cold, as if my very bones had been frozen. I remember thinking 'here we go'. His sis crept in to check on me, i lied and said i was fine and she went off out to her bingo. my heart raced as the panic set in. NO GEAR!! What the hell am i going to do?? Im in a strange city, 5 hours from home, with the most unsympathetic of bf's, and i dont know anyone up here. Terror gripped me, every fibre of my body recoiled and a wave of sickness and intense fear settled in my tummy, rising up slowly towards my chest.
What am i going to do? I knew i needed to come up with a plan, and fast!

Detox Looms......

sorry, I meant to update twice weekly, and now its out there I surely must!!
We (family, 2 children) were away to coast several times over the summer holidays, now one is back at school, one back at nursery, so some form of normality resumes once again!!

Talking of schools, it is with some amusement that I go off to view some of the most expensive, private schools for my little monster to start at next year, all the while hoping and praying that they wont look strait into my soul and see the truth that I work so hard to hide from the rest of the world.....She is nowt but a dirty smackhead in disguise!! Oh the shame of it! No truly I couldnt give a toss, its only since the birth of my precious one that I started to 'cover up' my past using, and on relapsing try to maintain an externally normal existence as is possible in this situation, for their sake, not mine.

Anyhow, at the end of the month I am off to detox in a private psychiatric hospital, no its NHS and private? Not quite sure how that works then. I thought id be on ward, which really doesnt bother me too much, but recently discovered I will have my own private bedroom and bathroom and will be staying 2 weeks now instead of one, then strait off to long term inpatient treatment.

I know Im going to suffer the horrid pain of withdrawals and I dont expect to sleep for quite some time, well lots of opportunity to blog and get down as much as i can remember about various adventures over the last 8 years i have been in and out of this addiction nightmare and there have been so many! It was the danger, thrills, excitement, and unpredictability that contributed to keep me using through my mid twenties, i thrived on the kaos of not knowing what was going to happen next, and living on the edge of life.

Becoming a mummy changed so much, routine, consistency, predictability have become the cornerstones of our existence as children need these for them to thrive and feel secure, so its my obligation to provide these and much much more to the best of my ability. We still allow  ourselves a little spontaneity, however it is of a totally different nature to that of my old lifestyle, and do you know what I wouldnt have it any other way!

Im feeling excited, nervous, apprehensive, optimistic, determined, motivated and sad at leaving those I love so much for a while, but they know I need this time to get better, begin recovery, and the journey of learning how to do life substance free. I would love to have some sense of serenity, and be 'comfortable in my own skin' as deep down i really know im not, infact im not really sure i ever have been.

Im going to jump about a bit, as i will be trying to journal my detox/recovery as it happens, post updates, and   recall past stuff thats worth writing about and keep adding to it.

Hoping all blog landers and fellow junk-juicers are well and happy xx

Ghostly flu

I woke at 4am, ill, so ill, soon as I lifted my head I felt the dizzy weakness and my ears ringing and burning with fever. Swinging my legs over the bed was like trying to heave a couple of huge lead weights with no energy, and standing up almost impossible. I forced myself downstairs, sliding against and peeling off the banister and walls for support, like a walking zombie, my mind floated down following (hopefully) my body.
 I was empty devoid of all emotion, I had been drained, sucked dry by illness. I drifted like a ghost into the kitchen and lifted my weakened limbs to grab the panadol and swallowed 2 then another 2 with water to get my temperature down some. Collapsing onto the sofa, I curled my bones into the foetal position and lay in my own agony. My skin was sticking to the leather, leaving a wet patch every time i moved, and creating a new one. Thank goodness I only seem to get this flu thing like once a year cos it sucks so painfully, I wallow in my own self pity like a hippo in the mud. A hit later and the pain subsides, I have no appetite just an unquenchable thirst, more for drugs than water. Regaining some sense of normality I return to bed to try and sleep what is left of the night.

So after a week of fluey rotten hell, I have spoken to my key worker and am officially on the list for a place in the local nuthouse to detox. Well my understanding is the NHS psychiatric hospital in my area has a drug and drink detox wing, but in fact you are mixed in with the general population, to suffer freely with an audience, and the rehab to follow. I'm ready and willing, Ive spent time in a private psych hospital before and seen all the 'sites' on offer, jeez I am one myself, so bring it on. Time to live, time to recover.

face of addiction....reflections

Kicking legs, thrashing under sweat damp sheets, I lie silently drifting in and out of vivid realities, which are dreams, which are real, I'm not quite sure. Then suddenly gripped by terror, I start, abruptly woken from my disturbed sick slumber. fear overwhelms me, seeping slowly through my senses, enveloping me in its wrath of anxiety. I force myself up, sitting on the edge of the bed, I have no gear, I have no gear, no end to this nightmare, no end to my pain. I get up and open the window, inhaling the thick night air, it weighs heavy in my lungs, dragging me down, suffocating me.
I begin to contemplate my options, methadone, old stale 3 year old bottles, weak, watery will it have any effect? Or the alternative like the saying, 'when your going through hell, keep on going.'
The minutes are getting slower now I can feel time dragging through my very core. chills burn through me, I shiver and then the darkness comes.
The depression, utter hopelessness, giving up the will to go on, morbid, suicidal thoughts, an end to the pain, to the misery, feelings so painful, feelings beyond emotion.
i stare at my bulging pupils in the mirror, the face of addiction stares back, pale,grey complexion, dry lipped, dull eyed, skin so dry you could peel it off, the poison having sucked the last drop of moisture away. How did I get here? How did I become this? This shell, hollow, empty devoid of life's elixir. Is this really me? Where is me gone? Devoured, gradually each day, little by little, as heroin consumes ones very soul.

Her lover

You hold me close, so very tight, I'm caught up in your ecstasy,
yet I still struggle with all my might,
sweet rapture you take me there, seduction so sudden,
I'm powerless now, to you I succumb
my corrupt innocence, you taste my blood upon your lips.

Kneeling in the darkness i pray, forgiveness for what i know is so wrong,
you have consumed my body, lost in my way, all the light i know has gone.

sick with lust my soul divine, as we gather dust, thou not thine
sinking in your rivers of wine, sinking, floating, falling
as it fades, blanks, numbs lost in time, now belonging, rotten inside.

My screams are silent, you have taken over, a love so violent,
can it be. Fear comes from within, my pain is yours
hidden with smiles, secrets creep, reflections in my eyes.

Manipulated by your power you have me in a trance.
This feeling so warm, familiar a thousand times we do this dance.
I want to stop now, please, I need to go,
then you gently touch my arm, reminding me I am home.

smoky bacon heroin...Mmmm

What jokes!! Well as usual the good stuff ran out, and the big journey was not possible for a couple more days due to childcare/commitments, sooo off I go on a little mission to see what the local market has to offer. So after numerous phone calls and texts, and a short drive to a car park where 2 black dudes from London are waiting for me, (yes they were there BEFORE me!! ) I've not seen them for a long time and vaguely recall them. The deal is done and I return home. I open my pathetically small shot only to find green, yes green gear that smells and tastes of smoky bacon. I smoked a tiny bit and a few hours later I was in w/d's again so it obviously had a minuscule opiate content. Thankfully I only purchased one, but this didn't fail to remind me why I'm prepared to travel so far to cop, as anything in my area is a total waste of time, energy, effort and money!

I honestly don't really understand why or how any real junky can maintain a habit in this area, but they do! And most will not venture further a field despite knowing it would be well worth it. If I couldn't get to my source on a weekly basis I think id go for methadone or some opiate tablet medication, if I wasn't planning on getting my arse into rehab. I mean really, what is the point of taking drugs and all the bullshit that accompanies it,all the shitty consequences of using if there's no pleasure? No gear?? the quality of heroin over the last 2 years is simply dire I never imagined in my time as an addict that things could be like this,. drug dealers selling, well not drugs!

Big decision...

After literally months of visiting rehabs all over England, and hours of research, reading and phonecalls I have narrowed it down to 2 treatment centres, the only problem is they are vastly different. One is a TC- therapeutic community, behaviour based, with a structure where you work your way up through the programme gaining increased responsibility and role modelling behaviour for your peers. There's group therapy but what's different  is about 4 hours (broken into 2 sessions am and pm) of manual hard labour! There are many good reasons for this which I strongly agree with, but I am a full time mommy Im very busy and I run a home aswell, Never am I sat on my backside doing sweet FA!! And I am aware that many junkies do just that, as would I given half a chance! but in my situation that is simply not the case.
The second treatment centre is 12 step based, but that only really means you are ferried to a fellowship meeting every evening, the group therapy, anger management, stress workshops, recovery lectures are all similar to the other place.
I feel both would benefit me greatly, Im not afraid of some hard work or pain, well I am but I have come to accept it maybe precisely what I need, and I am willing to do anything for recovery, whatever it may take. I dont feel either would provide a softer option, at the 12 step one you are still responsible for housework, cooking and cleaning for 20 people etc, its just the treatment is presented with a different philosophy.
Maybe I am reading too much into it and either will help me if I give it my all, but having said that it doesnt make this decision feel any easier!!

Doctor, doctor...help me please!!

So last night I went to my drs appointment at the new surgery I recently joined. I saw a young female dr who was very understanding and helpful. She referred me to the new NHS wellbeing service, put me on a starting dose of a new anti depressant one which Ive not tried before, and told me to go the local drug and alcohol team the following morning to ask for help about getting a place in rehab. Im going to ask social care services if they can provide the funding, as Im pretty certain the drugs team will take a urine sample and stick me strait on a methadone script as realistically thats about all they do!! Or subutex take your pick, swap one addiction for another, what a joke! Over my 8 or so years struggling with this addiction they have never helped me, and let me down at every turn, even my family despise them for being so useless. Im actually dreading going in there, as I know they think Im clean, Im going have to swallow my pride and do it.
Anyhow on top of all that, I have no gear left and its wednesday and I cant get more till saturday so heres hoping I can make it 3 days,  but more than likely Im in for 3 days of utter hell which right now Im not sure how im going to handle given my mental state. once you get yourself into this mess its so dam hard to get out of, they say that theres lots of help available, well that all depends on how you want to define help, being chained to the green medicine and having to go to a chemist every single day is hardly my idea of freedom! Yes there is some help, but as far as being drug free and learning to live that way long term, there is very little help, and what is there can be very difficult to access.
Sometimes I feel like screaming ive had enough, I give up! And I do, I surrender to my addiction I know I cant fight it anymore, I know its stronger than me and it will always win. But I must fight for recovery and detox and the chance at a drug free life, and I will not give up until I get the help I need.

Broken...

This is like seeing something beautiful, you think wow how lovely, then you go to touch it and your hand scratches just below the surface and you pull away suddenly, shocked and disgusted that it was rotten on the inside. Am I describing myself? My addiction? I dont even know, I just know that right now I feel broken. Like a piece of once fragile glass that was reinforced and strengthened but someone extremely powerful managed to smash it anyways, jeez that one sums it up!!

blessed?

I am blessed really, I have a pretty house in a stunning location, its warm, cosy and there is always food in the cupboards, the fridge is mostly chocca!  (even though its one of those fat american ones that reaches the ceiling), I have an extremely loving and supportive family and network of friends, I have the most beautiful adorable young child, Ive been lucky enough to attend uni (course is unfinished you can im sure guess why) and Ive had a good education, upbringing and am fairly well travelled. All the 'bad' stuff thats happened to me has been through poor choices on my part, being heavily influenced by people much older than me. But underlying all this has been my built in attraction to danger and excitement propelling me along on a journey of self destruction and providing the fuel into an addiction spiralling out of control.
But why would someone with a seemingly lovely life/family be so intent on killing themselves? And destroying everything along the way. That is a question I will have to discover the answer to probably during intensive therapy whilst in rehab, and im sure the reasons i started using nearly 10 years ago are different to the ones behind why i continue to use. Theres so many questions I want, I need answers to, that I know are inside me but wont be revealed to my conscious mind until I start to get to get to know the real me, the girl thats been hiding behind this opiate mask for so long, creating an identity separate from herself to be acceptable to others and protect her true self from the cruel judging hand of society, always so anxious not to be labelled 'junky'. As in dirty (I bath every day), granny mugging (never stolen in my life from a stranger or loved one) crack den dwelling (I dont hang out in crack dens), selfish (well addiction is a very selfish disease) but thats the nature of the beast! You get the picture, its so common for all addicts to be tarnished with the same brush, and even when the person assures you they are not going to make judgement you can tell by the look in their eyes and the way they try to adjust their facial expression exactly what they are thinking. Ususally, gosh am i safe? Has this person got a nasty disease? Can I still trust them? I know because I myself have thought the very same, im not some saint i make judgements involuntary sometimes just like the rest of us!

press one for suicide...

Today I took my son to a spring funday and actually enjoyed spending some quality time with him, I have a constant battle with myself trying to hide my misery, depression and addiction from him is not easy and often takes up the little strength I have left. Needless to say I cannot do this much longer. I have to drive a 250 mile roundtrip every week to precure my drugs, and without them i cannot function. The anger, resentment, self loathing overwhelms me, then slowly creeping ever closer the darkness takes over.
I call my worst, most severe bouts of depression 'the darkness' as to me thats precisely what it is.

I called the number given to me for social care by the doctor (regarding funding for a place in rehab) and it was like...'press 1 if you are at risk of harming yourself or others, press 2 if someone you know is at risk...' at that point I hung up in tears, thinking OMG this is my reality, this is where im at, this is what its come to! I have a fear that I may lose my son but i know its irrational i take care of him almost obsessively, spoil him (out of guilt he has a mom with my problems) and ultimately its myself that i dont take care of, and i know as he gets older he will begin to notice this and wonder why, which is partly a contributing factor to wanting to clean up, certainly part of the motivation.
Have to go he needs me to play racing cars! So much to write, but so pushed for time. Maybe during the long sleepless nights of withdrawal I will get it all down, hey its the perfect opportunity, might even take my mind off some of the pain i'l be in, boy am i dreading what I know is in store for me.

Another day, another dollar

My addiction has finally dragged me down to the dark depths of despair that only chronic addiction has the power to do, the pain it inflicts upon ones soul is devastating and seemingly endless.
There has to be a away out of this, I tell myself, almost kidding myself, but praying and clinging to the belief there is some hope for this girl stuck in such a hopeless situation.
How did I get here? How the hell did i become so empty? So emotionless? im on autopilot now, Im an empty shell of my former self, drifting aimlessly going through the motions of normality to keep up appearances. Ha! Thats a joke, I appear to be functioning normally, a part of our lil old society, a busy mummy. But if only you could scratch a little beneath the surface of my existence, you would discover it is just that...an existence, not a life. And right now I need money, and a lot of it to check into rehab, ive decided im gonna go for it, I want it so bad, now is the time, now HAS to be the time!