Tuesday 24 April 2012

Doctor, doctor...help me please!!

So last night I went to my drs appointment at the new surgery I recently joined. I saw a young female dr who was very understanding and helpful. She referred me to the new NHS wellbeing service, put me on a starting dose of a new anti depressant one which Ive not tried before, and told me to go the local drug and alcohol team the following morning to ask for help about getting a place in rehab. Im going to ask social care services if they can provide the funding, as Im pretty certain the drugs team will take a urine sample and stick me strait on a methadone script as realistically thats about all they do!! Or subutex take your pick, swap one addiction for another, what a joke! Over my 8 or so years struggling with this addiction they have never helped me, and let me down at every turn, even my family despise them for being so useless. Im actually dreading going in there, as I know they think Im clean, Im going have to swallow my pride and do it.
Anyhow on top of all that, I have no gear left and its wednesday and I cant get more till saturday so heres hoping I can make it 3 days,  but more than likely Im in for 3 days of utter hell which right now Im not sure how im going to handle given my mental state. once you get yourself into this mess its so dam hard to get out of, they say that theres lots of help available, well that all depends on how you want to define help, being chained to the green medicine and having to go to a chemist every single day is hardly my idea of freedom! Yes there is some help, but as far as being drug free and learning to live that way long term, there is very little help, and what is there can be very difficult to access.
Sometimes I feel like screaming ive had enough, I give up! And I do, I surrender to my addiction I know I cant fight it anymore, I know its stronger than me and it will always win. But I must fight for recovery and detox and the chance at a drug free life, and I will not give up until I get the help I need.

Friday 20 April 2012

Broken...

This is like seeing something beautiful, you think wow how lovely, then you go to touch it and your hand scratches just below the surface and you pull away suddenly, shocked and disgusted that it was rotten on the inside. Am I describing myself? My addiction? I dont even know, I just know that right now I feel broken. Like a piece of once fragile glass that was reinforced and strengthened but someone extremely powerful managed to smash it anyways, jeez that one sums it up!!

Saturday 14 April 2012

blessed?

I am blessed really, I have a pretty house in a stunning location, its warm, cosy and there is always food in the cupboards, the fridge is mostly chocca!  (even though its one of those fat american ones that reaches the ceiling), I have an extremely loving and supportive family and network of friends, I have the most beautiful adorable young child, Ive been lucky enough to attend uni (course is unfinished you can im sure guess why) and Ive had a good education, upbringing and am fairly well travelled. All the 'bad' stuff thats happened to me has been through poor choices on my part, being heavily influenced by people much older than me. But underlying all this has been my built in attraction to danger and excitement propelling me along on a journey of self destruction and providing the fuel into an addiction spiralling out of control.
But why would someone with a seemingly lovely life/family be so intent on killing themselves? And destroying everything along the way. That is a question I will have to discover the answer to probably during intensive therapy whilst in rehab, and im sure the reasons i started using nearly 10 years ago are different to the ones behind why i continue to use. Theres so many questions I want, I need answers to, that I know are inside me but wont be revealed to my conscious mind until I start to get to get to know the real me, the girl thats been hiding behind this opiate mask for so long, creating an identity separate from herself to be acceptable to others and protect her true self from the cruel judging hand of society, always so anxious not to be labelled 'junky'. As in dirty (I bath every day), granny mugging (never stolen in my life from a stranger or loved one) crack den dwelling (I dont hang out in crack dens), selfish (well addiction is a very selfish disease) but thats the nature of the beast! You get the picture, its so common for all addicts to be tarnished with the same brush, and even when the person assures you they are not going to make judgement you can tell by the look in their eyes and the way they try to adjust their facial expression exactly what they are thinking. Ususally, gosh am i safe? Has this person got a nasty disease? Can I still trust them? I know because I myself have thought the very same, im not some saint i make judgements involuntary sometimes just like the rest of us!

Friday 13 April 2012

press one for suicide...

Today I took my son to a spring funday and actually enjoyed spending some quality time with him, I have a constant battle with myself trying to hide my misery, depression and addiction from him is not easy and often takes up the little strength I have left. Needless to say I cannot do this much longer. I have to drive a 250 mile roundtrip every week to precure my drugs, and without them i cannot function. The anger, resentment, self loathing overwhelms me, then slowly creeping ever closer the darkness takes over.
I call my worst, most severe bouts of depression 'the darkness' as to me thats precisely what it is.

I called the number given to me for social care by the doctor (regarding funding for a place in rehab) and it was like...'press 1 if you are at risk of harming yourself or others, press 2 if someone you know is at risk...' at that point I hung up in tears, thinking OMG this is my reality, this is where im at, this is what its come to! I have a fear that I may lose my son but i know its irrational i take care of him almost obsessively, spoil him (out of guilt he has a mom with my problems) and ultimately its myself that i dont take care of, and i know as he gets older he will begin to notice this and wonder why, which is partly a contributing factor to wanting to clean up, certainly part of the motivation.
Have to go he needs me to play racing cars! So much to write, but so pushed for time. Maybe during the long sleepless nights of withdrawal I will get it all down, hey its the perfect opportunity, might even take my mind off some of the pain i'l be in, boy am i dreading what I know is in store for me.

Thursday 12 April 2012

Another day, another dollar

My addiction has finally dragged me down to the dark depths of despair that only chronic addiction has the power to do, the pain it inflicts upon ones soul is devastating and seemingly endless.
There has to be a away out of this, I tell myself, almost kidding myself, but praying and clinging to the belief there is some hope for this girl stuck in such a hopeless situation.
How did I get here? How the hell did i become so empty? So emotionless? im on autopilot now, Im an empty shell of my former self, drifting aimlessly going through the motions of normality to keep up appearances. Ha! Thats a joke, I appear to be functioning normally, a part of our lil old society, a busy mummy. But if only you could scratch a little beneath the surface of my existence, you would discover it is just that...an existence, not a life. And right now I need money, and a lot of it to check into rehab, ive decided im gonna go for it, I want it so bad, now is the time, now HAS to be the time!