face of addiction....reflections

Kicking legs, thrashing under sweat damp sheets, I lie silently drifting in and out of vivid realities, which are dreams, which are real, I'm not quite sure. Then suddenly gripped by terror, I start, abruptly woken from my disturbed sick slumber. fear overwhelms me, seeping slowly through my senses, enveloping me in its wrath of anxiety. I force myself up, sitting on the edge of the bed, I have no gear, I have no gear, no end to this nightmare, no end to my pain. I get up and open the window, inhaling the thick night air, it weighs heavy in my lungs, dragging me down, suffocating me.
I begin to contemplate my options, methadone, old stale 3 year old bottles, weak, watery will it have any effect? Or the alternative like the saying, 'when your going through hell, keep on going.'
The minutes are getting slower now I can feel time dragging through my very core. chills burn through me, I shiver and then the darkness comes.
The depression, utter hopelessness, giving up the will to go on, morbid, suicidal thoughts, an end to the pain, to the misery, feelings so painful, feelings beyond emotion.
i stare at my bulging pupils in the mirror, the face of addiction stares back, pale,grey complexion, dry lipped, dull eyed, skin so dry you could peel it off, the poison having sucked the last drop of moisture away. How did I get here? How did I become this? This shell, hollow, empty devoid of life's elixir. Is this really me? Where is me gone? Devoured, gradually each day, little by little, as heroin consumes ones very soul.

Her lover

You hold me close, so very tight, I'm caught up in your ecstasy,
yet I still struggle with all my might,
sweet rapture you take me there, seduction so sudden,
I'm powerless now, to you I succumb
my corrupt innocence, you taste my blood upon your lips.

Kneeling in the darkness i pray, forgiveness for what i know is so wrong,
you have consumed my body, lost in my way, all the light i know has gone.

sick with lust my soul divine, as we gather dust, thou not thine
sinking in your rivers of wine, sinking, floating, falling
as it fades, blanks, numbs lost in time, now belonging, rotten inside.

My screams are silent, you have taken over, a love so violent,
can it be. Fear comes from within, my pain is yours
hidden with smiles, secrets creep, reflections in my eyes.

Manipulated by your power you have me in a trance.
This feeling so warm, familiar a thousand times we do this dance.
I want to stop now, please, I need to go,
then you gently touch my arm, reminding me I am home.

smoky bacon heroin...Mmmm

What jokes!! Well as usual the good stuff ran out, and the big journey was not possible for a couple more days due to childcare/commitments, sooo off I go on a little mission to see what the local market has to offer. So after numerous phone calls and texts, and a short drive to a car park where 2 black dudes from London are waiting for me, (yes they were there BEFORE me!! ) I've not seen them for a long time and vaguely recall them. The deal is done and I return home. I open my pathetically small shot only to find green, yes green gear that smells and tastes of smoky bacon. I smoked a tiny bit and a few hours later I was in w/d's again so it obviously had a minuscule opiate content. Thankfully I only purchased one, but this didn't fail to remind me why I'm prepared to travel so far to cop, as anything in my area is a total waste of time, energy, effort and money!

I honestly don't really understand why or how any real junky can maintain a habit in this area, but they do! And most will not venture further a field despite knowing it would be well worth it. If I couldn't get to my source on a weekly basis I think id go for methadone or some opiate tablet medication, if I wasn't planning on getting my arse into rehab. I mean really, what is the point of taking drugs and all the bullshit that accompanies it,all the shitty consequences of using if there's no pleasure? No gear?? the quality of heroin over the last 2 years is simply dire I never imagined in my time as an addict that things could be like this,. drug dealers selling, well not drugs!

Big decision...

After literally months of visiting rehabs all over England, and hours of research, reading and phonecalls I have narrowed it down to 2 treatment centres, the only problem is they are vastly different. One is a TC- therapeutic community, behaviour based, with a structure where you work your way up through the programme gaining increased responsibility and role modelling behaviour for your peers. There's group therapy but what's different  is about 4 hours (broken into 2 sessions am and pm) of manual hard labour! There are many good reasons for this which I strongly agree with, but I am a full time mommy Im very busy and I run a home aswell, Never am I sat on my backside doing sweet FA!! And I am aware that many junkies do just that, as would I given half a chance! but in my situation that is simply not the case.
The second treatment centre is 12 step based, but that only really means you are ferried to a fellowship meeting every evening, the group therapy, anger management, stress workshops, recovery lectures are all similar to the other place.
I feel both would benefit me greatly, Im not afraid of some hard work or pain, well I am but I have come to accept it maybe precisely what I need, and I am willing to do anything for recovery, whatever it may take. I dont feel either would provide a softer option, at the 12 step one you are still responsible for housework, cooking and cleaning for 20 people etc, its just the treatment is presented with a different philosophy.
Maybe I am reading too much into it and either will help me if I give it my all, but having said that it doesnt make this decision feel any easier!!