Sunday, 29 June 2014


I arrived with way too much luggage, but i knew I'd be away from home a good few months. The journey was long we stopped at a service station and I had what I hoped would be my final hit. I loaded the pipe with the last few brown rocks, they had agreed to admit me 'dirty' as long as a full detox was not necessary. I inhaled deeply, savouring every fleetingly precious moment of pure bliss, I felt warm, fuzzy, wrapped in my invincible cover. I was safe, protected, no one and nothing could hurt me, as I floated off on my cloud of contentment and artificial peace. Then absence of sadness overwhelmed me, I felt tearful would this be the final goodbye to my faithful friend? The friend who had given me everything, and yet taken everything I had, and nearly stolen my soul in the process.

As we drove on, my phone bleeped continuously with messages from various dealers trying to sell me their substances all offering different weights, sizes and prices and some with delivery included. Finally we went up the steep winding little lane, to the right I could see the sea it looked temptingly beautiful with the sun setting beyond the horizon, to the left was woodland with cottages and buildings joined by narrow pathways dotted in amongst the vegetation, it seemed almost enchanted and I thought this seemed a very special. The leaves were drenched in the last rays of sun light illuminating them in gold and pinks.
We pulled up, the gravel crunching loudly under the tyres as we came to a halt. A huge grade 2 listed castle like building stood towering before me, but somehow it seemed welcoming not threatening as it's gothic and almost spooky exterior would suggest. The huge wooden arched door creaked open before me, and there stood a smiling  warm face, my worker was 5'5, a small lady with small petit features and mousey blond hair in her early 40's.
Then the fear hit me like a tone of bricks, panic swelled up into my chest and throat. I saw other residents bustling around on their business and staff chatting away by reception.
Who are these people? What are their stories? Will I be okay here? My mind started to race.

2,years and 3 relapses later....

Well it's been over a year and half since my last post, and I've been through detox, rehab,relapse, back to meetings, tried smart recovery and now I'm doing okay as an English version I guess of a soccer mommy. My lil blue eyed boy is growing up fast and I'm so proud of him, he's turned out beautifully despite some tough times.
I'm going to read through my posts and carry on where I left off, catch up, then keep a journal of sorts.
I've recently started a writing course and my tutor suggested I start a blog! So I'm going to aim to write 3 times a week on here and see how that goes.
And will be catching up on all my favorite blogs tonight when I get a quiet moment, looking forward to that. Xx

Thursday, 22 November 2012

Detox first few days.....

AS i looked around i saw the differing natures of the various conditions the other patients whom i was to be sharing the ward with suffered from. After some tentative conversations i learnt these ranged hugely from paranoid schizophrenia, delusions and psychotic episodes, mania, BPD, aspergers, dementia and lil old me with my opie with drawals, being the addict i am of course i cut right down but then upped my using for the  last 3 days before entry how typical lol.
For the first few days it was as if time its very self stood still, they gave me no opitae substitute and 2.5mg of diazepam by which time totally sleep deprived and in pain i was ready to leave. Then I was assessed by a wonderful psychiatrist, I was so desperate and he was so good looking and charming I felt the urge to lower my top provocatively and bat my eye lash extensions at him!! Oh dear gripped by total insanity what a joke he must have thought i was, leaning in seductively being overly interested in his every word! He seemed to play along though and mentioned if we met up abroad (where my family live) we would be breaking no rules by us going out for dinner. Anyway needless to say he upped my doses and the Valium increased to 40mg a day, nitrazepam 10mg to sleep, quinine for RLS , loperamide, buscopan, periazine for anxiety, and trazadone for depression So needless to say I was a much happier bunny! And things with the help of a few dyhydrocodine i took in for emergencies it was an ok-ish detox apart from the lack of sleep which was to be expected anyway..I shuffled about drawling over fellow patients which I made friends with quite quickly it was only a 25 bed ward each with a private room and communal facilities. I managed tai kw on do and mindfulness most days but felt very weak, faint and unsteady on my feet. I spent hours a day soaking in their huge bath tubs or under the showers i was very grateful for them indeed! Having modelled for 10 years on and off i started to take some pride in my appearance again and enjoyed a proper beauty routine. My lil boy settled in and is seeming to be content and happy at my families and visited several times. Im off to proper rehab on monday but praying they will admit me as i was discharged early (which wasn't part of the original plan) and i have used 3 times, tiny amounts but never the less, so ridiculous as if i could control it in any shape or form i wouldn't be in such trouble and wanting help so bad!! I need to provide a clean urine specimen on admission and with only 4 days im not sure it will be possible, i know this is all my fault and wish i wasn't an addict but i am.

Wednesday, 21 November 2012

Detox psych styleeee

Well finally I was admitted to an acute psych ward to begin my opiate detox, but what was meant to be a britlofex (lofexidine) turned into a nightmare due to my extreme low blood pressure. In the end each dose was denied to me as was deemed too dangerous.

Cold, shivering and frightened i turned up at the ward with all my luggage literally shaking with anticipation of the unexpected as it was a new way id never before tried. I said my goodbyes to parents and children and in i went through the secure doors!! OMG I was refused entry as the date was put back for the 4th time, i returned  home devastated and disappointed i felt so deflated having being all hyped up for the date.
So back i went yet again yet 3 days later having barely unpacked my things from the previous visit and finally was shown to a dirty but clinical room.

Wednesday, 24 October 2012


This is unbelievable they have put back my detox date for the 4th time!! Dont they realise they are fuking with my childrens heads?? We had it all planned for tomorrow morning, had cleared out some of my house, taken 2 car loads to the charity place and 1 to cash 4 clothes lol. Started the mamouth task of moving all the toys from my place to my parents place, and there are 2 large rooms FULL of them. My youngest knows something is happening but we are managing to keep him settled with the useful distractions of halloween and christmas, and as a lovely treat I took him to that huge rip off that we call the 'build-a-bear' workshop. I have to say though I was bloody impressed by said bear building, it was a truly enjoyable experience for us both and I recorded my voice saying a special message for him when he squeezes its paw, and we paid extra for a beating heart, boots, clothes and a hat! So expensive, but so sweet.
Im still fuming a bit at the news, but putting it in perspective, i will only have to wait a few more days, i now have more time to finish sorting the house and can pack slowly, settle kids in over weekend and spend some quality time with family and friends so thats all good, its just i want this to be as smooth as possible for my family who were all geared up for the morning, and we had all run ourselves ragged trying to get everything ready!
On a addict note....As i thought i was detoxing from the morning I left myself with NO opiates! I really dont want to make the 200 mile roundtrip to score more heroin, cant be bothered, but i know its total shit locally,. I only need  4-5 days worth, a few grams would do, ive already tried to buy pills and had no luck. I fully intended to be with drawing on admission to speed things up which is why im now in this situation i have left myself with nothing!! Unbelievably i can cop crack right now, no problemo, but although very tempting it makes you feel horrid, quicker so pointless. This is so annoying, so soul destroying.

Im going to have to go on a mission (dont fear good hearted reader, kidiwinkles are not with me) to find decent gear near or in this area, enough addicts round here have habits, so they are using something strong enough to keep them addicted, so someone, somewhere must have some real stuff. Im going to welcome the beginning of a new era, where I dont have to worry about all this, and do all this, i really cant stand it now, ive had enough. When i was 24 say it didnt seem to matter in fact often times i had fun, mixed with danger and excitement of the unknown. But now? Now Im an early 30's mummy, who loves her kids, and doesnt want this to be part of her life anymore, there is no room in my life for this crap now days.

Oh well, to next tuesday, to new beginnings, a new era....this is the time 4 change.

Wednesday, 17 October 2012

functioning addicts??

After I was left a comment mentioning another addict thought he was the only 'functioning' one out there till he came across me, it got me thinking.

And I stumbled across the above article whilst looking for something else. (theres a wealth of information on alcohol and addiction/recovery/treatment) on that site as well, I was quite impressed!

Having been to numerous NA/AA meetings over the last 8 years and heard so very many shares I too came to the conclusion there wasn't too many FA's (functioning addicts) out there. It seemed that there was a few definitive similarities that occurred in nearly every story, these it appeared would still be found even if the person/drug of choice/background was fundamentally different. These are the following

1) The person felt from childhood they were 'different' and didn't 'fit in' or feel any sense of belonging with both family, friends, social groups and their peers. They always experienced some alienation and mostly experienced life as an outsider. They experimented with drugs/drink at a very early age, and took it to extremes, and believe these early excesses just go to prove they were in fact born addicts.

2) The beginning of their addiction/addictive behaviour was relatively fun, or at least part of it was, and the feelings of intense difference were temporarily relieved. If using wasn't 'fun' or we didn't derive some form of pleasure from it, obviously we wouldn't continue to do it. This I suppose can be described as the early stage in the cycle of addiction.

3) As their addiction progressed they started experiencing negative consequences as a direct result. Relationship breakdowns, loss of material things, and lack of trust towards them from others and problems with trusting others.

4) Later-progressive stages of addiction, loss of family, children removed, disconnected from friends, contact only with 'using buddies', poor personal hygiene, and appearance and health may start deteriorating. Morals and personal boundaries are crossed and more riskier behaviour indulged in, as going to any lengths to meet the needs of the addiction. Feelings of 'losing oneself' and 'emptiness' until the stage is reached when we feel we cant live with drugs, and cant survive without them. This is usually when we ask for help of some kind, although we are not always ready for it and may continue to maintain our addiction at all costs for many more years.

I suppose all addicts follow a similar to pattern to these, I know I never thought of myself as being any different from other kids, I was popular at school and enjoyed it, and had some best friends out of school who lived near us who i spent lots of time with and had great fun with. I also never drank or used at a young age, and when i did drink i never got drunk. And i didnt use drugs until my early 20's. Im also not convinced i was born an addict although im not ruling that out.
Ive always washed, and taken care of my appearance, but I believe im very similar to all the rest!! Ive just 'maintained' my addiction without doing anything illegal, and tried my best to keep up appearances but only for the sake of my children, not mine!!
I do however believe now that there are many, many others out there like myself, who you wouldnt give a second glance to in the street, as they have learnt over time to hide their addiction as well as I have for whatever reasons. I also think that if your addict money can be a curse more than a blessing, as it keeps your addiction going longer, and makes it much easier to maintain a normal existence. I really feel if id run out of money 5 years ago i might of been sitting here now clean and serene instead of waiting to go into rehab!! but who knows for sure, I can only guess!!

Any other FA's out there? Who knows....

Sunday, 14 October 2012

scouse love cont....

I went over to the window and peered out at my new strange surroundings. The small estate seemed neat and well kept, each with a small garden at the front, now bathed in twilight. I found the front door and let myself out, ahhh with each step I was being stabbed with chills, I wondered if i may still be dreaming as i felt as if i were walking through marshmallow but no this rattle was very real, too real, and all too familiar.
Shivers shot through me and i felt goosebumps all over, it was as if all my senses were heightened, despite feeling so sick i felt ultra alert.

I made my way to the edge of the estate and onto the main road. If memory serves me, there should be a 'bad estate' a few minutes walk away, and where theres a bad area.....theres drugs i thought! Although i didn't want to get my hopes up too much, as with anything involving drugs one always knows that until said drugs are in your greedy, sweaty little palms, there is little point in getting in getting excited, or feeling any sense of relief, as virtually anything can happen....and it usually does!! I stopped every few yards to double over in pain, I felt like there was a storm inside my stomach, with waves of pulsating agony creeping through my lower back. I blinked as head lights whooshed past, leaving light traces before my eyes, my vision was blurred as my eyes streamed. The cold stung my face and wow did i feel sorry for my self inflicted agony! Oh such torment, why do I do this? But the desperate, penetrating,urgent desire for more soon pushed any other thoughts aside. i was on a mission, a possibly impossible mission!

i rounded the corner and the flats rose up before me. An eerry silence hung in the air, I looked around and realised there was no one about. My heart sunk, but a small part of me was still in anticipation with the thought of finding something, somewhere. I slumped onto a low brick wall, pulled my hood up and folded my arms as another deep chill shivered its way through me.
'Ay las whats happenin?' I heard a voice from behind me, startled i nearly fell from my perch. A tall white lad, also with his hood up approached me. I felt embarrassment and shame at my situation, I was looking for drugs there was no was no sugar coating my junkydom it was laid bare for all to see.
I thought the situation called for getting strait to the point and fuk the small talk. I asked him if he knew where i could get some b, he said his friend 'had got' and he was on his way back from making a drop. My heart raced, ok i thought, this is either wonderful luck.....or i am about to get robbed n ripped.
I followed him up lots of concrete stairs, where the stench of urine, smoke and urban filth stung my nostrils and hung heavy in my chest. I waited as he knocked at a door adjacent to a long balcony, i stood gripped by fear and over whelming desire, please let this be ok i prayed. He asked how much i wanted, half a gee i replied, i handed him £25 and he disappeared into the flat, leaving me outside and closing the door behind him. Great I thought, if he doesnt come back, im on my own theres really fuk all i can do! But 5 minutes later he did return, and unwrapped some rizzla to find something which looked and smelled like it should.