After I was left a comment mentioning another addict thought he was the only 'functioning' one out there till he came across me, it got me thinking.
http://alcoholrehab.com/alcohol-rehab/well-maintained-addiction/
And I stumbled across the above article whilst looking for something else. (theres a wealth of information on alcohol and addiction/recovery/treatment) on that site as well, I was quite impressed!
Having been to numerous NA/AA meetings over the last 8 years and heard so very many shares I too came to the conclusion there wasn't too many FA's (functioning addicts) out there. It seemed that there was a few definitive similarities that occurred in nearly every story, these it appeared would still be found even if the person/drug of choice/background was fundamentally different. These are the following
1) The person felt from childhood they were 'different' and didn't 'fit in' or feel any sense of belonging with both family, friends, social groups and their peers. They always experienced some alienation and mostly experienced life as an outsider. They experimented with drugs/drink at a very early age, and took it to extremes, and believe these early excesses just go to prove they were in fact born addicts.
2) The beginning of their addiction/addictive behaviour was relatively fun, or at least part of it was, and the feelings of intense difference were temporarily relieved. If using wasn't 'fun' or we didn't derive some form of pleasure from it, obviously we wouldn't continue to do it. This I suppose can be described as the early stage in the cycle of addiction.
3) As their addiction progressed they started experiencing negative consequences as a direct result. Relationship breakdowns, loss of material things, and lack of trust towards them from others and problems with trusting others.
4) Later-progressive stages of addiction, loss of family, children removed, disconnected from friends, contact only with 'using buddies', poor personal hygiene, and appearance and health may start deteriorating. Morals and personal boundaries are crossed and more riskier behaviour indulged in, as going to any lengths to meet the needs of the addiction. Feelings of 'losing oneself' and 'emptiness' until the stage is reached when we feel we cant live with drugs, and cant survive without them. This is usually when we ask for help of some kind, although we are not always ready for it and may continue to maintain our addiction at all costs for many more years.
I suppose all addicts follow a similar to pattern to these, I know I never thought of myself as being any different from other kids, I was popular at school and enjoyed it, and had some best friends out of school who lived near us who i spent lots of time with and had great fun with. I also never drank or used at a young age, and when i did drink i never got drunk. And i didnt use drugs until my early 20's. Im also not convinced i was born an addict although im not ruling that out.
Ive always washed, and taken care of my appearance, but I believe im very similar to all the rest!! Ive just 'maintained' my addiction without doing anything illegal, and tried my best to keep up appearances but only for the sake of my children, not mine!!
I do however believe now that there are many, many others out there like myself, who you wouldnt give a second glance to in the street, as they have learnt over time to hide their addiction as well as I have for whatever reasons. I also think that if your addict money can be a curse more than a blessing, as it keeps your addiction going longer, and makes it much easier to maintain a normal existence. I really feel if id run out of money 5 years ago i might of been sitting here now clean and serene instead of waiting to go into rehab!! but who knows for sure, I can only guess!!
Any other FA's out there? Who knows....
There's loads of FA's out here. I've managed to hold down jobs for 18yr's whilst using, though I wouldn't have been able to do it without the support of scripts & purchasing methadone when needed. But I'm tired of it all now, I certainly wouldn't want to do another 18yrs.
ReplyDeleteI remember getting waylaid some years ago by a page by an American rehab clinc that was very expensive. They kept saying "this place is for high-functioning addicts like yourself"... and I thought no they don't mean "high-functioning" at all. They don't really mean it... they just mean RICH addicts, who can afford to cover up some of the more obvious consequences of the addiction by continuing to wear new clothes etc etc. Complete fucking bullshit.
DeleteYou're right there are relatively few high functioning addicts out there.
I have known a couple of people who've been with it enough to be able to work proper jobs to fund their heroin habits (and both were on heroin, not crack which quickly destroys everything in its path as you must know...) neither had been homeless or in real chaos as a result of their addiction.
For many people who work to fund a habit there comes a time, usually not too far along, when they lose their job because they couldn't get it together to score in time for work in the morning... I knew this French guy who was in tears because someone gave him a job but he was unable to stick to it just because the money was coming too late and he needed to score and he just could not keep it all together for long enough to do that first week and wait to get paid at the end of it.
But these 2 people I'm talking about, to this day to the best of my knowledge they're still in their relatively elevated positions. Neither one has ever turned to crime and they certainly haven't been homeless. But as I told one of them ~ if you're using gear every day and you've got your nice CD and DVD collection and Sky TV and you're still living in your parents' attick (which he converted beautifully himself ~ I'm so in awe of that type of DIY skill) he's never going to want to stop because he hasn't suffered for his addiction. Not really suffered the way the rest of us do...
... you're right high-functioning addicts are a real rarity. I fell right down down down for years I could barely function at all. My life was a complete mess, worse than anyone else's I knew in terms of sheer disorganization. The one thing I kept together was my heroin habit but that literally was it. In every other respect I was completely fucked and to be honest, looking back I can't even understand how I managed to have money every day to score. It was a complete nightmare...
PS have you ever heard the phrase "righteous junkie"? That's the saying they used to say in America to describe someone who worked a proper job to pay for their drugs... I was thinking about this the other day.... Shoplifters I know make £70-£100 a day each, which is no more than a decent job pays and they spend just as much time and probably a hell of a lot more effort to make that money... if you can work for a living it most certainly beats crime. No disruptive prison stretches for one thing. I steered well clear of prisons because I was so terrified of enforced separation from my drugs! I funded my habit by begging. I always said I'd rather make less and use less but use it every day than do really well like those shoplifters but knowing every few months I was going to end up back in the slammer again....
Thanks Gleds always get plenty of food for thought reading your blog and comments! I have to add that before I had my son I spent sometime using crack and heroin and it bought me to my knees. I lost myself, was up for days on end running around the country with drug dealer bf, I let people take the piss out of me on a level i never would of allowed had i been clean, and i also did some horrid things to people if anyone got in my way of getting my drugs! I did break the law, but never sold my 'body' or 'mugged a granny' type crime, but...i sold my soul to the devil himself for that period, it was truly horrific. I was very skinny and certainly looked a mess, i was cut of from any finances, and had a house but NO legal income. So i guess ive lived 2 very different junky lifestyles lol.
DeleteHey Karl,
ReplyDeleteYes im tired of it too, and certainly wouldn't wish another single year of it on anyone or myself! Lets hope to better things and a time to change things up. Its STOPtober after all, the month Iam stopping...5 days till detoxxx.....
Karl is correct on saying there are loads of FA's out there. These people are largely invisible, they don't show up at rehabs or ERs. Nor do they advertise their status for obvious reasons. Many doctors are FA's. Of course they have access to pure drugs in labeled dosages and if they inject they do it with clean equipment so they have many advantages over the rest of us. Check out William Steward Halstead, the 'father of American surgery,' if you want to learn about one of the most famous functioning addicts of all time. He was addicted to morphine for most of his adult life and went on periodic cocaine benders. He did most of this pre-1914 so drugs were legal for most of his using career which makes things easier, but he did have a phenomenally successful surgical career while simultaneously maintaining a large morphine habit.
ReplyDeleteOh I hadnt heard of him, will deffo look him up, im always fascinated by the whole subject. thanks x
ReplyDelete