I am blessed really, I have a pretty house in a stunning location, its warm, cosy and there is always food in the cupboards, the fridge is mostly chocca! (even though its one of those fat american ones that reaches the ceiling), I have an extremely loving and supportive family and network of friends, I have the most beautiful adorable young child, Ive been lucky enough to attend uni (course is unfinished you can im sure guess why) and Ive had a good education, upbringing and am fairly well travelled. All the 'bad' stuff thats happened to me has been through poor choices on my part, being heavily influenced by people much older than me. But underlying all this has been my built in attraction to danger and excitement propelling me along on a journey of self destruction and providing the fuel into an addiction spiralling out of control.
But why would someone with a seemingly lovely life/family be so intent on killing themselves? And destroying everything along the way. That is a question I will have to discover the answer to probably during intensive therapy whilst in rehab, and im sure the reasons i started using nearly 10 years ago are different to the ones behind why i continue to use. Theres so many questions I want, I need answers to, that I know are inside me but wont be revealed to my conscious mind until I start to get to get to know the real me, the girl thats been hiding behind this opiate mask for so long, creating an identity separate from herself to be acceptable to others and protect her true self from the cruel judging hand of society, always so anxious not to be labelled 'junky'. As in dirty (I bath every day), granny mugging (never stolen in my life from a stranger or loved one) crack den dwelling (I dont hang out in crack dens), selfish (well addiction is a very selfish disease) but thats the nature of the beast! You get the picture, its so common for all addicts to be tarnished with the same brush, and even when the person assures you they are not going to make judgement you can tell by the look in their eyes and the way they try to adjust their facial expression exactly what they are thinking. Ususally, gosh am i safe? Has this person got a nasty disease? Can I still trust them? I know because I myself have thought the very same, im not some saint i make judgements involuntary sometimes just like the rest of us!
You got a lot of good things going in your life.I think ppl are not as judgy as they use to be.I bet in every family theres at least 1 with a drug problem and sweeping it under the rug to.
ReplyDeleteThanks, I know there are many hidden or unseen things going on behind closed doors in many seemingly 'normal' (define normal??) families. I think things are getting much better, with only a minority being overly judgemental, but its them i fear most, or the possible damage they could do to my son.
ReplyDelete