Today I took my son to a spring funday and actually enjoyed spending some quality time with him, I have a constant battle with myself trying to hide my misery, depression and addiction from him is not easy and often takes up the little strength I have left. Needless to say I cannot do this much longer. I have to drive a 250 mile roundtrip every week to precure my drugs, and without them i cannot function. The anger, resentment, self loathing overwhelms me, then slowly creeping ever closer the darkness takes over.
I call my worst, most severe bouts of depression 'the darkness' as to me thats precisely what it is.
I called the number given to me for social care by the doctor (regarding funding for a place in rehab) and it was like...'press 1 if you are at risk of harming yourself or others, press 2 if someone you know is at risk...' at that point I hung up in tears, thinking OMG this is my reality, this is where im at, this is what its come to! I have a fear that I may lose my son but i know its irrational i take care of him almost obsessively, spoil him (out of guilt he has a mom with my problems) and ultimately its myself that i dont take care of, and i know as he gets older he will begin to notice this and wonder why, which is partly a contributing factor to wanting to clean up, certainly part of the motivation.
Have to go he needs me to play racing cars! So much to write, but so pushed for time. Maybe during the long sleepless nights of withdrawal I will get it all down, hey its the perfect opportunity, might even take my mind off some of the pain i'l be in, boy am i dreading what I know is in store for me.
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