So last night I went to my drs appointment at the new surgery I recently joined. I saw a young female dr who was very understanding and helpful. She referred me to the new NHS wellbeing service, put me on a starting dose of a new anti depressant one which Ive not tried before, and told me to go the local drug and alcohol team the following morning to ask for help about getting a place in rehab. Im going to ask social care services if they can provide the funding, as Im pretty certain the drugs team will take a urine sample and stick me strait on a methadone script as realistically thats about all they do!! Or subutex take your pick, swap one addiction for another, what a joke! Over my 8 or so years struggling with this addiction they have never helped me, and let me down at every turn, even my family despise them for being so useless. Im actually dreading going in there, as I know they think Im clean, Im going have to swallow my pride and do it.
Anyhow on top of all that, I have no gear left and its wednesday and I cant get more till saturday so heres hoping I can make it 3 days, but more than likely Im in for 3 days of utter hell which right now Im not sure how im going to handle given my mental state. once you get yourself into this mess its so dam hard to get out of, they say that theres lots of help available, well that all depends on how you want to define help, being chained to the green medicine and having to go to a chemist every single day is hardly my idea of freedom! Yes there is some help, but as far as being drug free and learning to live that way long term, there is very little help, and what is there can be very difficult to access.
Sometimes I feel like screaming ive had enough, I give up! And I do, I surrender to my addiction I know I cant fight it anymore, I know its stronger than me and it will always win. But I must fight for recovery and detox and the chance at a drug free life, and I will not give up until I get the help I need.
Dear scargirl,
ReplyDeleteI found your blog over at gledwoods. You're not alone, there are thousands of us so called high functioning addicts(I hate that term)out here. Fact is the gears so crap at the moment it's hardly worth doing, I don't put less than 1/2g in the spoon & all that'll do is hold me.So right now is probably the best time to get clean. I've been an addict for 18yrs & have never known the gear to be so bad & I honestly don't think it's going to get any better, it's been 2yrs of shit already. I've been community detoxing for years now, I even took part in the trials for subutex, so if you want info please ask. One thing I don't understand is that if you live in London, how come it takes a 250mile round trip to score ? Take care Karl X
Hiya, Ive only been a functioning addict since having my son, this forced me to settle down, i was text book chaotic for the first few years!! And I dont want to say where I live in UK on here as would like to keep it anon at least for now, so that might clear that one up lol. I agree the gear is shit, but the source (very far away) I travel to has very strong stuff, but thats by and by cos I really wanna get clean, im so tired of this, any pleasure/fun is long gone, im just blocking out reality so I want to learn how to live drug free.
ReplyDeleteThanks for coming by xx