Kicking legs, thrashing under sweat damp sheets, I lie silently drifting in and out of vivid realities, which are dreams, which are real, I'm not quite sure. Then suddenly gripped by terror, I start, abruptly woken from my disturbed sick slumber. fear overwhelms me, seeping slowly through my senses, enveloping me in its wrath of anxiety. I force myself up, sitting on the edge of the bed, I have no gear, I have no gear, no end to this nightmare, no end to my pain. I get up and open the window, inhaling the thick night air, it weighs heavy in my lungs, dragging me down, suffocating me.
I begin to contemplate my options, methadone, old stale 3 year old bottles, weak, watery will it have any effect? Or the alternative like the saying, 'when your going through hell, keep on going.'
The minutes are getting slower now I can feel time dragging through my very core. chills burn through me, I shiver and then the darkness comes.
The depression, utter hopelessness, giving up the will to go on, morbid, suicidal thoughts, an end to the pain, to the misery, feelings so painful, feelings beyond emotion.
i stare at my bulging pupils in the mirror, the face of addiction stares back, pale,grey complexion, dry lipped, dull eyed, skin so dry you could peel it off, the poison having sucked the last drop of moisture away. How did I get here? How did I become this? This shell, hollow, empty devoid of life's elixir. Is this really me? Where is me gone? Devoured, gradually each day, little by little, as heroin consumes ones very soul.
Hey Scargirl,
ReplyDeleteYou're brave girl doing a cluck like that. I've been there too many time I don't want to think about it, never again will I do a raw cluck. My brother does it easily, he just sits in a chair grits his teeth & scowls a lot. After nearly 20yr of using plus any other substance for the last 30yrs I dont think I'll ever be the same again, but its too late now to cry about. I've got three beautifull daughters & a grand daughter to think about,through my habit I missed most vof their childhood but thats another story my daughters have nearly grown up but I've sort of got a 2nd chance with Rowan, baby grand daughter, light of my life.
Your poem 'Her lover' the song of a thousand junkies,brilliant,sad & all too familiar.
If you've got a child sorry cant remember boy or girl, maybe you didn't say! get whatever help you can, meth, subs. College ,parenthood, how can you handle that without the back up of some kind of substitute ?
Though maybe if I hadn't gone down the road of scripts I wouldn't be here now, Ive just realised there's 2 meanings there & 1 is definitely better than the other.
Take care my friend.............Karl
Hi Karl,
ReplyDeleteI only endured that wd for 2 nights between scoring! And it felt like 2 years, thats why im going into treatment i know im not capable of doing it unless in clinical setting, ur bro's hardcore, one of the few that can endure it! I have a young son, he is my world, and the hardest thing about rehab will be leaving him. Yup Im on a mission to get the help and then finish my studies.
Sounds like you care a great deal about your family, thats beautiful to hear, and Im sure little Rowan is blessed to have a grand dad who adores her so. And I believe its never too late, never give up, never lose hope (as I have a million times) but am trying not to think like that anymore!
Stay safe x
God, I totally relate to this... U really have a way with words.
ReplyDeleteI've been there so many times... its never easy, All the best 4 detox hope it works 4 U :-)