sorry, I meant to update twice weekly, and now its out there I surely must!!
We (family, 2 children) were away to coast several times over the summer holidays, now one is back at school, one back at nursery, so some form of normality resumes once again!!
Talking of schools, it is with some amusement that I go off to view some of the most expensive, private schools for my little monster to start at next year, all the while hoping and praying that they wont look strait into my soul and see the truth that I work so hard to hide from the rest of the world.....She is nowt but a dirty smackhead in disguise!! Oh the shame of it! No truly I couldnt give a toss, its only since the birth of my precious one that I started to 'cover up' my past using, and on relapsing try to maintain an externally normal existence as is possible in this situation, for their sake, not mine.
Anyhow, at the end of the month I am off to detox in a private psychiatric hospital, no its NHS and private? Not quite sure how that works then. I thought id be on ward, which really doesnt bother me too much, but recently discovered I will have my own private bedroom and bathroom and will be staying 2 weeks now instead of one, then strait off to long term inpatient treatment.
I know Im going to suffer the horrid pain of withdrawals and I dont expect to sleep for quite some time, well lots of opportunity to blog and get down as much as i can remember about various adventures over the last 8 years i have been in and out of this addiction nightmare and there have been so many! It was the danger, thrills, excitement, and unpredictability that contributed to keep me using through my mid twenties, i thrived on the kaos of not knowing what was going to happen next, and living on the edge of life.
Becoming a mummy changed so much, routine, consistency, predictability have become the cornerstones of our existence as children need these for them to thrive and feel secure, so its my obligation to provide these and much much more to the best of my ability. We still allow ourselves a little spontaneity, however it is of a totally different nature to that of my old lifestyle, and do you know what I wouldnt have it any other way!
Im feeling excited, nervous, apprehensive, optimistic, determined, motivated and sad at leaving those I love so much for a while, but they know I need this time to get better, begin recovery, and the journey of learning how to do life substance free. I would love to have some sense of serenity, and be 'comfortable in my own skin' as deep down i really know im not, infact im not really sure i ever have been.
Im going to jump about a bit, as i will be trying to journal my detox/recovery as it happens, post updates, and recall past stuff thats worth writing about and keep adding to it.
Hoping all blog landers and fellow junk-juicers are well and happy xx
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