This is unbelievable they have put back my detox date for the 4th time!! Dont they realise they are fuking with my childrens heads?? We had it all planned for tomorrow morning, had cleared out some of my house, taken 2 car loads to the charity place and 1 to cash 4 clothes lol. Started the mamouth task of moving all the toys from my place to my parents place, and there are 2 large rooms FULL of them. My youngest knows something is happening but we are managing to keep him settled with the useful distractions of halloween and christmas, and as a lovely treat I took him to that huge rip off that we call the 'build-a-bear' workshop. I have to say though I was bloody impressed by said bear building, it was a truly enjoyable experience for us both and I recorded my voice saying a special message for him when he squeezes its paw, and we paid extra for a beating heart, boots, clothes and a hat! So expensive, but so sweet.
Im still fuming a bit at the news, but putting it in perspective, i will only have to wait a few more days, i now have more time to finish sorting the house and can pack slowly, settle kids in over weekend and spend some quality time with family and friends so thats all good, its just i want this to be as smooth as possible for my family who were all geared up for the morning, and we had all run ourselves ragged trying to get everything ready!
On a addict note....As i thought i was detoxing from the morning I left myself with NO opiates! I really dont want to make the 200 mile roundtrip to score more heroin, cant be bothered, but i know its total shit locally,. I only need 4-5 days worth, a few grams would do, ive already tried to buy pills and had no luck. I fully intended to be with drawing on admission to speed things up which is why im now in this situation i have left myself with nothing!! Unbelievably i can cop crack right now, no problemo, but although very tempting it makes you feel horrid, quicker so pointless. This is so annoying, so soul destroying.
Im going to have to go on a mission (dont fear good hearted reader, kidiwinkles are not with me) to find decent gear near or in this area, enough addicts round here have habits, so they are using something strong enough to keep them addicted, so someone, somewhere must have some real stuff. Im going to welcome the beginning of a new era, where I dont have to worry about all this, and do all this, i really cant stand it now, ive had enough. When i was 24 say it didnt seem to matter in fact often times i had fun, mixed with danger and excitement of the unknown. But now? Now Im an early 30's mummy, who loves her kids, and doesnt want this to be part of her life anymore, there is no room in my life for this crap now days.
Oh well, to next tuesday, to new beginnings, a new era....this is the time 4 change.
Wednesday 24 October 2012
Wednesday 17 October 2012
functioning addicts??
After I was left a comment mentioning another addict thought he was the only 'functioning' one out there till he came across me, it got me thinking.
http://alcoholrehab.com/alcohol-rehab/well-maintained-addiction/
And I stumbled across the above article whilst looking for something else. (theres a wealth of information on alcohol and addiction/recovery/treatment) on that site as well, I was quite impressed!
Having been to numerous NA/AA meetings over the last 8 years and heard so very many shares I too came to the conclusion there wasn't too many FA's (functioning addicts) out there. It seemed that there was a few definitive similarities that occurred in nearly every story, these it appeared would still be found even if the person/drug of choice/background was fundamentally different. These are the following
1) The person felt from childhood they were 'different' and didn't 'fit in' or feel any sense of belonging with both family, friends, social groups and their peers. They always experienced some alienation and mostly experienced life as an outsider. They experimented with drugs/drink at a very early age, and took it to extremes, and believe these early excesses just go to prove they were in fact born addicts.
2) The beginning of their addiction/addictive behaviour was relatively fun, or at least part of it was, and the feelings of intense difference were temporarily relieved. If using wasn't 'fun' or we didn't derive some form of pleasure from it, obviously we wouldn't continue to do it. This I suppose can be described as the early stage in the cycle of addiction.
3) As their addiction progressed they started experiencing negative consequences as a direct result. Relationship breakdowns, loss of material things, and lack of trust towards them from others and problems with trusting others.
4) Later-progressive stages of addiction, loss of family, children removed, disconnected from friends, contact only with 'using buddies', poor personal hygiene, and appearance and health may start deteriorating. Morals and personal boundaries are crossed and more riskier behaviour indulged in, as going to any lengths to meet the needs of the addiction. Feelings of 'losing oneself' and 'emptiness' until the stage is reached when we feel we cant live with drugs, and cant survive without them. This is usually when we ask for help of some kind, although we are not always ready for it and may continue to maintain our addiction at all costs for many more years.
I suppose all addicts follow a similar to pattern to these, I know I never thought of myself as being any different from other kids, I was popular at school and enjoyed it, and had some best friends out of school who lived near us who i spent lots of time with and had great fun with. I also never drank or used at a young age, and when i did drink i never got drunk. And i didnt use drugs until my early 20's. Im also not convinced i was born an addict although im not ruling that out.
Ive always washed, and taken care of my appearance, but I believe im very similar to all the rest!! Ive just 'maintained' my addiction without doing anything illegal, and tried my best to keep up appearances but only for the sake of my children, not mine!!
I do however believe now that there are many, many others out there like myself, who you wouldnt give a second glance to in the street, as they have learnt over time to hide their addiction as well as I have for whatever reasons. I also think that if your addict money can be a curse more than a blessing, as it keeps your addiction going longer, and makes it much easier to maintain a normal existence. I really feel if id run out of money 5 years ago i might of been sitting here now clean and serene instead of waiting to go into rehab!! but who knows for sure, I can only guess!!
Any other FA's out there? Who knows....
http://alcoholrehab.com/alcohol-rehab/well-maintained-addiction/
And I stumbled across the above article whilst looking for something else. (theres a wealth of information on alcohol and addiction/recovery/treatment) on that site as well, I was quite impressed!
Having been to numerous NA/AA meetings over the last 8 years and heard so very many shares I too came to the conclusion there wasn't too many FA's (functioning addicts) out there. It seemed that there was a few definitive similarities that occurred in nearly every story, these it appeared would still be found even if the person/drug of choice/background was fundamentally different. These are the following
1) The person felt from childhood they were 'different' and didn't 'fit in' or feel any sense of belonging with both family, friends, social groups and their peers. They always experienced some alienation and mostly experienced life as an outsider. They experimented with drugs/drink at a very early age, and took it to extremes, and believe these early excesses just go to prove they were in fact born addicts.
2) The beginning of their addiction/addictive behaviour was relatively fun, or at least part of it was, and the feelings of intense difference were temporarily relieved. If using wasn't 'fun' or we didn't derive some form of pleasure from it, obviously we wouldn't continue to do it. This I suppose can be described as the early stage in the cycle of addiction.
3) As their addiction progressed they started experiencing negative consequences as a direct result. Relationship breakdowns, loss of material things, and lack of trust towards them from others and problems with trusting others.
4) Later-progressive stages of addiction, loss of family, children removed, disconnected from friends, contact only with 'using buddies', poor personal hygiene, and appearance and health may start deteriorating. Morals and personal boundaries are crossed and more riskier behaviour indulged in, as going to any lengths to meet the needs of the addiction. Feelings of 'losing oneself' and 'emptiness' until the stage is reached when we feel we cant live with drugs, and cant survive without them. This is usually when we ask for help of some kind, although we are not always ready for it and may continue to maintain our addiction at all costs for many more years.
I suppose all addicts follow a similar to pattern to these, I know I never thought of myself as being any different from other kids, I was popular at school and enjoyed it, and had some best friends out of school who lived near us who i spent lots of time with and had great fun with. I also never drank or used at a young age, and when i did drink i never got drunk. And i didnt use drugs until my early 20's. Im also not convinced i was born an addict although im not ruling that out.
Ive always washed, and taken care of my appearance, but I believe im very similar to all the rest!! Ive just 'maintained' my addiction without doing anything illegal, and tried my best to keep up appearances but only for the sake of my children, not mine!!
I do however believe now that there are many, many others out there like myself, who you wouldnt give a second glance to in the street, as they have learnt over time to hide their addiction as well as I have for whatever reasons. I also think that if your addict money can be a curse more than a blessing, as it keeps your addiction going longer, and makes it much easier to maintain a normal existence. I really feel if id run out of money 5 years ago i might of been sitting here now clean and serene instead of waiting to go into rehab!! but who knows for sure, I can only guess!!
Any other FA's out there? Who knows....
Sunday 14 October 2012
scouse love cont....
I went over to the window and peered out at my new strange surroundings. The small estate seemed neat and well kept, each with a small garden at the front, now bathed in twilight. I found the front door and let myself out, ahhh with each step I was being stabbed with chills, I wondered if i may still be dreaming as i felt as if i were walking through marshmallow but no this rattle was very real, too real, and all too familiar.
Shivers shot through me and i felt goosebumps all over, it was as if all my senses were heightened, despite feeling so sick i felt ultra alert.
I made my way to the edge of the estate and onto the main road. If memory serves me, there should be a 'bad estate' a few minutes walk away, and where theres a bad area.....theres drugs i thought! Although i didn't want to get my hopes up too much, as with anything involving drugs one always knows that until said drugs are in your greedy, sweaty little palms, there is little point in getting in getting excited, or feeling any sense of relief, as virtually anything can happen....and it usually does!! I stopped every few yards to double over in pain, I felt like there was a storm inside my stomach, with waves of pulsating agony creeping through my lower back. I blinked as head lights whooshed past, leaving light traces before my eyes, my vision was blurred as my eyes streamed. The cold stung my face and wow did i feel sorry for my self inflicted agony! Oh such torment, why do I do this? But the desperate, penetrating,urgent desire for more soon pushed any other thoughts aside. i was on a mission, a possibly impossible mission!
i rounded the corner and the flats rose up before me. An eerry silence hung in the air, I looked around and realised there was no one about. My heart sunk, but a small part of me was still in anticipation with the thought of finding something, somewhere. I slumped onto a low brick wall, pulled my hood up and folded my arms as another deep chill shivered its way through me.
'Ay las whats happenin?' I heard a voice from behind me, startled i nearly fell from my perch. A tall white lad, also with his hood up approached me. I felt embarrassment and shame at my situation, I was looking for drugs there was no was no sugar coating my junkydom it was laid bare for all to see.
I thought the situation called for getting strait to the point and fuk the small talk. I asked him if he knew where i could get some b, he said his friend 'had got' and he was on his way back from making a drop. My heart raced, ok i thought, this is either wonderful luck.....or i am about to get robbed n ripped.
I followed him up lots of concrete stairs, where the stench of urine, smoke and urban filth stung my nostrils and hung heavy in my chest. I waited as he knocked at a door adjacent to a long balcony, i stood gripped by fear and over whelming desire, please let this be ok i prayed. He asked how much i wanted, half a gee i replied, i handed him £25 and he disappeared into the flat, leaving me outside and closing the door behind him. Great I thought, if he doesnt come back, im on my own theres really fuk all i can do! But 5 minutes later he did return, and unwrapped some rizzla to find something which looked and smelled like it should.
Shivers shot through me and i felt goosebumps all over, it was as if all my senses were heightened, despite feeling so sick i felt ultra alert.
I made my way to the edge of the estate and onto the main road. If memory serves me, there should be a 'bad estate' a few minutes walk away, and where theres a bad area.....theres drugs i thought! Although i didn't want to get my hopes up too much, as with anything involving drugs one always knows that until said drugs are in your greedy, sweaty little palms, there is little point in getting in getting excited, or feeling any sense of relief, as virtually anything can happen....and it usually does!! I stopped every few yards to double over in pain, I felt like there was a storm inside my stomach, with waves of pulsating agony creeping through my lower back. I blinked as head lights whooshed past, leaving light traces before my eyes, my vision was blurred as my eyes streamed. The cold stung my face and wow did i feel sorry for my self inflicted agony! Oh such torment, why do I do this? But the desperate, penetrating,urgent desire for more soon pushed any other thoughts aside. i was on a mission, a possibly impossible mission!
i rounded the corner and the flats rose up before me. An eerry silence hung in the air, I looked around and realised there was no one about. My heart sunk, but a small part of me was still in anticipation with the thought of finding something, somewhere. I slumped onto a low brick wall, pulled my hood up and folded my arms as another deep chill shivered its way through me.
'Ay las whats happenin?' I heard a voice from behind me, startled i nearly fell from my perch. A tall white lad, also with his hood up approached me. I felt embarrassment and shame at my situation, I was looking for drugs there was no was no sugar coating my junkydom it was laid bare for all to see.
I thought the situation called for getting strait to the point and fuk the small talk. I asked him if he knew where i could get some b, he said his friend 'had got' and he was on his way back from making a drop. My heart raced, ok i thought, this is either wonderful luck.....or i am about to get robbed n ripped.
I followed him up lots of concrete stairs, where the stench of urine, smoke and urban filth stung my nostrils and hung heavy in my chest. I waited as he knocked at a door adjacent to a long balcony, i stood gripped by fear and over whelming desire, please let this be ok i prayed. He asked how much i wanted, half a gee i replied, i handed him £25 and he disappeared into the flat, leaving me outside and closing the door behind him. Great I thought, if he doesnt come back, im on my own theres really fuk all i can do! But 5 minutes later he did return, and unwrapped some rizzla to find something which looked and smelled like it should.
Scouse love
'Babe, just get in!' he yelled at me for the 5th time. But i didnt want to go back up to liverpool, i knew that would mean no gear, (he kept an eye me the whole time) and that meant being ill.
I had no choice if i didnt go he would only pick me up and plonk me in the back anyway, so reluctantly i complied once again with his wishes. I curled up in the back and promptly fell into a deep sleep with the hum of the engine carrying me off into dreamy roads, stretches of bleak motorway and tarmac fields.
Four or five hours later I awoke, I felt clammy and heavy and strangely still tired.
'You dont look too good gal, stay round my sis for a while and get some rest, i'll be back for you later' he shoved me through a strange front door of a house on a small estate, kissed my lips and he was gone.
His big sister was plump, pretty and had a big warm smile. She welcomed me into her sitting room, made me a sweet cuppa tea, and tucked me up on her sofa with a duvet, and flicked the tv on for me. (she must have thought I was ill, not sure what the other half had told her)
Again i fell asleep, this time i awoke it was dark, the room too was dark, with only the light from the tv and street lights casting a surreal orange glow into the room. I was soaking wet, drenched, and ice cold, as if my very bones had been frozen. I remember thinking 'here we go'. His sis crept in to check on me, i lied and said i was fine and she went off out to her bingo. my heart raced as the panic set in. NO GEAR!! What the hell am i going to do?? Im in a strange city, 5 hours from home, with the most unsympathetic of bf's, and i dont know anyone up here. Terror gripped me, every fibre of my body recoiled and a wave of sickness and intense fear settled in my tummy, rising up slowly towards my chest.
What am i going to do? I knew i needed to come up with a plan, and fast!
I had no choice if i didnt go he would only pick me up and plonk me in the back anyway, so reluctantly i complied once again with his wishes. I curled up in the back and promptly fell into a deep sleep with the hum of the engine carrying me off into dreamy roads, stretches of bleak motorway and tarmac fields.
Four or five hours later I awoke, I felt clammy and heavy and strangely still tired.
'You dont look too good gal, stay round my sis for a while and get some rest, i'll be back for you later' he shoved me through a strange front door of a house on a small estate, kissed my lips and he was gone.
His big sister was plump, pretty and had a big warm smile. She welcomed me into her sitting room, made me a sweet cuppa tea, and tucked me up on her sofa with a duvet, and flicked the tv on for me. (she must have thought I was ill, not sure what the other half had told her)
Again i fell asleep, this time i awoke it was dark, the room too was dark, with only the light from the tv and street lights casting a surreal orange glow into the room. I was soaking wet, drenched, and ice cold, as if my very bones had been frozen. I remember thinking 'here we go'. His sis crept in to check on me, i lied and said i was fine and she went off out to her bingo. my heart raced as the panic set in. NO GEAR!! What the hell am i going to do?? Im in a strange city, 5 hours from home, with the most unsympathetic of bf's, and i dont know anyone up here. Terror gripped me, every fibre of my body recoiled and a wave of sickness and intense fear settled in my tummy, rising up slowly towards my chest.
What am i going to do? I knew i needed to come up with a plan, and fast!
Detox Looms......
sorry, I meant to update twice weekly, and now its out there I surely must!!
We (family, 2 children) were away to coast several times over the summer holidays, now one is back at school, one back at nursery, so some form of normality resumes once again!!
Talking of schools, it is with some amusement that I go off to view some of the most expensive, private schools for my little monster to start at next year, all the while hoping and praying that they wont look strait into my soul and see the truth that I work so hard to hide from the rest of the world.....She is nowt but a dirty smackhead in disguise!! Oh the shame of it! No truly I couldnt give a toss, its only since the birth of my precious one that I started to 'cover up' my past using, and on relapsing try to maintain an externally normal existence as is possible in this situation, for their sake, not mine.
Anyhow, at the end of the month I am off to detox in a private psychiatric hospital, no its NHS and private? Not quite sure how that works then. I thought id be on ward, which really doesnt bother me too much, but recently discovered I will have my own private bedroom and bathroom and will be staying 2 weeks now instead of one, then strait off to long term inpatient treatment.
I know Im going to suffer the horrid pain of withdrawals and I dont expect to sleep for quite some time, well lots of opportunity to blog and get down as much as i can remember about various adventures over the last 8 years i have been in and out of this addiction nightmare and there have been so many! It was the danger, thrills, excitement, and unpredictability that contributed to keep me using through my mid twenties, i thrived on the kaos of not knowing what was going to happen next, and living on the edge of life.
Becoming a mummy changed so much, routine, consistency, predictability have become the cornerstones of our existence as children need these for them to thrive and feel secure, so its my obligation to provide these and much much more to the best of my ability. We still allow ourselves a little spontaneity, however it is of a totally different nature to that of my old lifestyle, and do you know what I wouldnt have it any other way!
Im feeling excited, nervous, apprehensive, optimistic, determined, motivated and sad at leaving those I love so much for a while, but they know I need this time to get better, begin recovery, and the journey of learning how to do life substance free. I would love to have some sense of serenity, and be 'comfortable in my own skin' as deep down i really know im not, infact im not really sure i ever have been.
Im going to jump about a bit, as i will be trying to journal my detox/recovery as it happens, post updates, and recall past stuff thats worth writing about and keep adding to it.
Hoping all blog landers and fellow junk-juicers are well and happy xx
We (family, 2 children) were away to coast several times over the summer holidays, now one is back at school, one back at nursery, so some form of normality resumes once again!!
Talking of schools, it is with some amusement that I go off to view some of the most expensive, private schools for my little monster to start at next year, all the while hoping and praying that they wont look strait into my soul and see the truth that I work so hard to hide from the rest of the world.....She is nowt but a dirty smackhead in disguise!! Oh the shame of it! No truly I couldnt give a toss, its only since the birth of my precious one that I started to 'cover up' my past using, and on relapsing try to maintain an externally normal existence as is possible in this situation, for their sake, not mine.
Anyhow, at the end of the month I am off to detox in a private psychiatric hospital, no its NHS and private? Not quite sure how that works then. I thought id be on ward, which really doesnt bother me too much, but recently discovered I will have my own private bedroom and bathroom and will be staying 2 weeks now instead of one, then strait off to long term inpatient treatment.
I know Im going to suffer the horrid pain of withdrawals and I dont expect to sleep for quite some time, well lots of opportunity to blog and get down as much as i can remember about various adventures over the last 8 years i have been in and out of this addiction nightmare and there have been so many! It was the danger, thrills, excitement, and unpredictability that contributed to keep me using through my mid twenties, i thrived on the kaos of not knowing what was going to happen next, and living on the edge of life.
Becoming a mummy changed so much, routine, consistency, predictability have become the cornerstones of our existence as children need these for them to thrive and feel secure, so its my obligation to provide these and much much more to the best of my ability. We still allow ourselves a little spontaneity, however it is of a totally different nature to that of my old lifestyle, and do you know what I wouldnt have it any other way!
Im feeling excited, nervous, apprehensive, optimistic, determined, motivated and sad at leaving those I love so much for a while, but they know I need this time to get better, begin recovery, and the journey of learning how to do life substance free. I would love to have some sense of serenity, and be 'comfortable in my own skin' as deep down i really know im not, infact im not really sure i ever have been.
Im going to jump about a bit, as i will be trying to journal my detox/recovery as it happens, post updates, and recall past stuff thats worth writing about and keep adding to it.
Hoping all blog landers and fellow junk-juicers are well and happy xx
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